Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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