I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
