I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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