They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
