He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize