I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
