He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
