I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
