I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Everclear isn't food dammit
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