she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
