Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
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