Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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