I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize