Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
