The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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