Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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