Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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