you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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