My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
