i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
