She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
