theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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