my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize