I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
