oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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