"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
