Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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