I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
