you're like a bully in the Christmas story
People in love make me want to vomit
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
