My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
