If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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