How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
there is glitter all over my balls
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
