Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
