Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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