i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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