I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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