I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
