dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
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