why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
