Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
