Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Thank you for not boning my boss.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
