I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
