I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
