honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Did I show you my penis last night?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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