dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
