I accidentally had phone sex last night
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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