i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
