Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
