Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Randomize
