cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
