I'm gonna have a badass scar
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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