I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I am full of burrito and curiosity
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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