im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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