Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
