i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
