Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
