Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
