Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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