How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
