I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
