T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
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