There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
