I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
