My cat gives me a boner
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
