Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
