so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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