just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
