Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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