4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
